Part 20: Confessions

‘Sach?’  her soft voice stopped the stream of words.

Arnav looked into her eyes, fiercely, hardly daring to breath. ‘Sach.’ The voice echoed in his head, his heart….Was it true? What was the truth?  Did he not marry her for love? Of course, he had always loved her.

Jab jo bura kaha uska koi matlab nahi. Jab ko bura kiya koi uska matlab nahi….sach to yeh hai ki main hamesha hamesha….

 

Koi matlab nahi….Nothing matters except that I have always loved you. Nothing matters… matters…His own words.  Weren’t they true?

Koi matlab nahi. It doesn’t matter if I believed Shyam’s words. It meant nothing when I thrust that mangalsutra around your neck and told you that you would be my wife in name only. How does it make a difference if I snatched away your dreams? How does it matter if I told you how disgusting it was to breathe the same air as you did? Wasn’t I in love when I abused and shunned you for six long months? Koi matlab nahi….Nothing matters…it did not matter that I used my money and power to bend you to my will… Jab jo bura kaha uska koi matlab nahi. Jab ko bura kiya uska matlab nahi.

 

But if it all didn’t matter then why were things so difficult now? Why does a small word fall from your lips to shake me to my core? Why does the hope twinkling in your eyes ravage me so? The words….how beautiful they sounded, how profound …vast and deep, as my love for you….and….

As empty and meaningless. The realization dawned in that brief moment as Kushi stood looking at him, waiting for him to confirm that what he said was true.  It all mattered – whatever he had said, whatever he had done – for it had brought them where they stood today.  The sum total of those actions and words which he had dismissed in his egoistical declaration of love – that he can do anything, say anything, that all is justified in the name of love – how wrong he had been? Here stood the girl, he claimed to love more profoundly than any actions or deeds – broken, injured, shutting him out of her life.

And he? He was afraid that she would remember all that and then no declaration of love would be enough to justify the truth.

And yet it was the truth…a truth he had promised to act on.  That was the only way forward if he wanted to live with any semblance of sanity. He needed Khushi…Khushi and only some more time. He had decided not to jog her memory….let her remember when she did. He would not help her in shunning him, in leaving him and walking out of his life. That was the truth – a greater truth than all others and he needed time to say it aloud and prove it so that when the memories returned there were other memories to take away the sting.

And so mulishly ASR stood firm…his clever brains quailed at the honesty of her eyes, at the stabs of his own conscience yet he was too used to manipulating others, too used to having his own way.

‘Yes, that is the truth, Khushi. The truth. That I love you.’  Arnav moved towards her. This time, Khushi stood her ground, looking at him warily. He moved slowly as he spoke, coming to stand in front of her. Without touching, without any contact. Just near her drawing her by the sincerity of his voice so that she had to turn to him. ‘I had loved you for a long time though I was unwilling to admit. And in the last one year…I have learnt that I cannot live without you. Those things I said… I was angry. My sister was pregnant…Shyam had been a part of the family for so long. I am not justifying anything. But there is more to it than the words you remember.’ He stood in front of her looking in her eyes, willing her to believe in him.

 Khushi still needed reassurance. There was blinding emotion in his eyes as he towered over her yet she had to confirm….confirm before she let the barriers down.

‘You married me because you loved me….despite the fact that your jeejaji…’

‘Why do you ask the same questions again?’ Arnav stopped her from completing the horrible thought. How did she do it? Cut through all his words to ask the questions that mattered, the questions he did not want to answer, the questions he would not answer truthfully. ‘I know you remember my words, the cruel ones…but I love you, Khushi. Whatever else you remember or forget, don’t forget that. Ever.’

‘Arnavji…’ Tears gathered in her eyes as she looked at him helplessly.  ‘there is something else…’

‘What?’ what was it? Why did she look so troubled. Was he missing something?

‘Would you still say the same, if I tell you that I am responsible for the death of Di’s husband? That despite my desperation, I was conscious, fully aware …when I jumped into the river, I knew the car would follow…I .. I led him to kill himself. I killed…’

‘Khushi,’ his hands came up holding the sides of her face. ‘Then I would thank you for freeing Di, and all of us from that devil.’ Arnav looked into her eyes. The thought must have been unbearable for Khushi for whom everyone’s welfare was so important. He could not let her think that way. He looked at her earnestly trying to take the terrifyingly painful thought away from her. ‘Shyam led you into that situation. You said he would have run you over with the car. Khushi, I am glad you were better than him. Don’t torture yourself for that man. He could have easily killed Di, he planned to kill me when he had me. But you came to save me…you are my savior…in more ways than one…Khushi…believe me you are my…savior.’

His words stopped midway, his body stilled as if a shot of electricity passed through him and he stood motionless, afraid that if he breathed this fleeting moment would disappear. Khushi ran her fingers along the side of his face, caressing his eyes, cheeks, ears…she looked in a daze, absorbed in the sight of her hand roaming on his face as if she was learning the feel of him, touching him like a blind person, convinced that he loved her, that he did not care that Shyam had died because of her…that she could give in to the desire to touch him and see if he was real.

Khushi touched the man, Arnavji, her husband, the husband who loved her. His words put to rest the horrible thought that had been plaguing her. His nearness brought her heart alive. His hands, warm on the side of her face, his breath mingling with hers. A scene flashed through her mind. Smeared in colour, dizzy and intoxicated – two figures on the poolside, uttering heartfelt words of desire. Her hand came up to feel his thundering heartbeat. She pressed her palm into to the warmth of his chest.

Khushi surrendered to the tug of desire that drew her to Arnav. Stepping closer, her lips brushed the side of his mouth, a feather light touch before she moved near his ear and whispered. ‘Arnavji, hamari dhadhkanein ek ho jaati hain…’ Khushi pressed her cheek against his stubbled one…standing still for a moment. ‘Hain na?’ Scarcely had the words left her mouth before the peace of the moment was gone.

It was the words that shattered him…he who had been holding still all along, hardly daring to breathe. Arnav had not come near her after she had flinched away from him in Sheesh mahal, not tried to touch her except hold her hands. And now Khushi was touching him. She was touching him! The moment had a dream like quality, like the ones he used to have in her absence. And he was afraid it might be one.  So he dare not move lest everything disappeared.

And then came the words, softly breathed in his ear. She remembered one of those rare moments when they had come together, the moment they had let their guards down.

It was the words, her words shattered him. Arnav let out a cry; his hands pressed the side of her face once before they went around her, on their own volition, fingers of one burying in her hair as he held her still while the other snaked around her waist seeking to draw her close. Arnav buried his face into the side of her neck, inhaling her, feeling her, tasting her warmth, her generosity, her love. Finally, finally.

‘Arnavji’ Khushi tried to push him back. She was breathless…a happy kind of breathless. He was holding her too tight but she felt warm, cared for. One of her hands, the one which had touched his heart, was still buried between them. The other clutched at his shoulder.

The wetness she felt on her shoulder worried her. ‘Arnavji’ she called out worriedly as his body heaved, somewhere between a sob and a sigh, his face still hidden in the side of her neck. She tried to pull him up. Arnav shrugged away her hands, burying his face deeper in her neck as he pushed her back, back till they came up against a wall. Some of his weight slumped on her as he drew deep breaths trying to gather the threads of control. He would not look up till he had settled down this storm in himself , till he had his fill of this warmth – ‘Khushi, Khushi’ – he hugged her closer.

Was it a few moments? Hours? Several sun-lit days?  Arnav lifted his head with a sigh. Only slightly till they were looking at each other, their noses almost touching. This was all he could manage for now.

‘Khushi Kumari Gupta Singh Raizada,’ he jerked her gently off the wall making her lean on him. ‘You remember don’t you? Don’t you? Tell me what you remember? ‘

Khusi looked into his eyes and shook her head. ‘I don’t. I just remembered the words when you were speaking…I just get those flashes.’ She whispered.

Arnav nodded slowly bending his head to kiss her cheek, giving her time to draw back, tightening his arms to stop her. When she did not, he looked up and whispered ‘Then remember, remember every time you …you think about me.’

‘What?’

The question annoyed him. Did she still need to ask? ‘That I love you dammit!’ he drew her face closer, only inches apart now.

‘Oh that!’ she giggled as she nodded.

Arnav couldn’t help but smile before he bent his head to kiss her on the other cheek.

‘You believe me. Right?’

He still needed to ask! but his eyes were troubled and Khushi rushed ahead to heal him.

‘I believe you.’

‘Then will you listen to me.’

She nodded.

‘Please go for the surgery….please. Its important…for me’

Khushi smiled and nodded before whispering an ‘Okay’ and leaning her head on her husband’s shoulder. His hand left her head and went around her shoulder, slowly, almost tentatively.

——————————————–

okay. I know some of you are not going to be happy…especially with Arnav. But bear with me. We are nearing the end soon.

Another thing: Arnav’s  lines from the heer-ranjha, I always found them beautiful but very troublesome.  I wanted to deal with them here.

So brickbats …they are welcome and so are all other comments. I really look forward to them. so please make my day.

BTW, i stared watching season two but stopped this week…you know why! (confession, I stopped after Arnav dropped Khushi from his cabin but returned sometime  later when I saw troubled ASR. The conflict in the man just drew you to the character. Moreover Khushi had a  kind of spunk that is so absent in her present counterpart! This one may  spout all the  right things about women’s issues, but blushing and thinking kindly of a man who has just slapped you!!!!! sigh…just at the time when violence against women has become such a heartfelt issue, it is portrayed as something romantic. )

the dilemma now…is there nothing  in Hindi to watch on TV ?

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52 thoughts on “Part 20: Confessions

  1. arshi4ever says:

    wow what an update ….
    arnav shouldnt have done this ….
    what will khushi do when she come to know the truth….
    but i loved the way arnav conclude that why he married her ……

  2. emotional update the confession was heart felt loved that he told her what he did and she touched him letting him feel her warmth that only khushi can carry loved that he told her what happened and he did not care that she killed snake hell even i don’t care just wished he was ripped apart before he died loved how she remember the words awesome update brilliant

  3. maddy1270 says:

    wonderfully written… deeply emotional… concur with you about the heer-ranjha lines: if his hurtful words meant nothing why is it so difficult for Arnav to reveal the complete truth to Khushi… by word and deed he nearly destroyed her soul… in what sense of the word is this love? He’s still manipulating the situation to come out on top… lies of omission are still lies… how will Khushi ever trust Arnav’s love when she remembers the truth? Arnav has to tread carefully given Khushi’s fragile mental state but hiding the truth of their relationship from her is not the solution. What he fears may come to pass and he might lose her for ever!

  4. lovebarun says:

    Hi Vandana, such a beautiful confession… arnav always thinks that khushi is his and does anything to keep her with him, even now, he is not accepting to a soul that he manipulated her into marrying him. he should, i think tell her the whole truth. this is like, she has no choice. she doesn’t remember a thing, he doesn’t tell her the whole story and he excepts her to trust him. what an irony. please update your other ff also dear.. that’s a totally different story line, i love both your stories

  5. StripePurple says:

    That was a strange chapter. 🙂

    Firstly, I loved how you examined this present situation in the context of Arnav’s Heer-Raanjha dialogue. It was heartfelt and earnest, we all know that. Yet it was also incredibly egoistic, as you’ve put so rightly. Arnav is a man whose thoughts and actions regarding Khushi have been very disjointed throughout. When he was attracted to her at Diwali, he went and announced his engagement to Lavanya, and broke Khushi’s heart. That is only one of the many instances, and all his actions have led him to this point. Yet he does love her, and perhaps many of his actions were driven by that love. What a paradox.

    I think in your last update there was this line asking how one could undo the effect of harsh words. I guess it was answered today. She remembers his harsh words, but his confession of love triggers the memory of other words of his too, that their hearts beat as one. The sheer power of words- something she could not remember when she had her memories now re-surfaces from her amnesiac mind. It was a beautiful scene, very touching- Arnav breaking down in her arms.

    I actually don’t know how I feel about Arnav not giving her the whole truth, facts and figures intact. A part of me is pissed off, but again, we have to remember that neither him nor Khushi are the same anymore. Their connection,though, is the same. Let’s just see how the alowly returning memories affect this.

    P.S- Is this FF ending soon? Your note seemed to suggest so. Also, about your question on Hindi Tv, you should probably just say “good riddance” and move on. Maybe some Pakistani shows? I hear some of them are good.

  6. fiza says:

    it was beautiful…

  7. samarablogwp says:

    well, i like what is happening, but honesstly did not think it will be this easy..u know what i mean..i thought she is going go upset..but thing is, she belied in good..:) and thats what matters..
    Loved it, especially when she asks him about the Dhadkane!
    🙂 wow

  8. Gia says:

    Wow, this was a very good update. I am so glad they are trying to get closer in spite of all the doubts, issues. I want Kushi to remember soon

  9. superb update

    summaiyasayed(IF)

  10. adhiti says:

    I loved it. I liked how you dealt with the heer-ranjha dialogue.

    It was one of my favourite scene in the story. But like you said, half of my heart accepted it and half of my heart denied it’s meaning.

    And I am so happy with the way you dealt with it.

    And is this story ending? So soon? 😦 That will leave the story fragile despite the strong starting. Don’t do that. Develop this.

  11. sabah says:

    very nice update thumps up.

  12. rati123 says:

    Wow ! What emotional updates !! I really feel bad for Arnav though he is so much at fault.

  13. awesome update

    luvd it

    updt soon

    summaiyasayed (IF)

  14. shylusam84 says:

    Vann, with the new show I could not survive for more than 2 weeks, the show did not have any logic , no reason at all for the fights or what ever so just left it. Agree that there is nothing to watch on tv

  15. dmgview says:

    emotionally written… perfect.. glad that Arnav said the truth to her.. if only partly…

  16. summaiyasayed says:

    awesome update

    luvd it

    summaiyasayed (IF)

  17. badfaith4u says:

    That was very emotional
    At least she remember the heartbeats line
    I always loved that line

  18. Hina69 says:

    lovely yaar.Thank u so much for the update and the pm too.Muahh love u!

    you were absolutely right in the update that he was being used to have his own way!

    i just loved how you wrote their confession and how they showed their loe and passion for eachother!

    hey u said its coming to an end???No no please dont rnd this soon.pretty please.pleaseeeeeeeee!!!!!

  19. arunascarlet says:

    It is true that he loved her, but he could have given the full explanation.

  20. Nadianatalie says:

    Sooo beautiful! They love each other so much. I’m afraid for Arnav for when she regains her memory. He should have told her the truth.

  21. naushi78 says:

    She believes him and he confessed and she will have the surgery. Yes!
    I so want him to tell her everything and also tell her that he did love her but should tell her the real reason for marrying her like he did

  22. rini_kat frm IF says:

    nice update

  23. razkad says:

    Hi

    I finally caught up with the last four parts of this awesome story. Thank you so much for leaving your blog details on IF. I was so glad that you dealt with Payals cowardice in 16. I was not too happy with her current attitude although I could understand it to a point.Also another sore point for me also was the Heer -Ranja words….as beautiful as they were they somehow were not justified in Arnavs and Kushis love story. So I agree 100% with you. I really like the pace of this story and am looking forward to reading more.

    I will also be leaving this comment on IF just in case.

  24. sfghfj says:

    superb update and beautiful confession. Is this ff ending soon? Pls don end this soon

  25. meenu10 says:

    wwooww……….nice update…………

    atleast arnav shared some of his heartfelt and cleared parts about shyam……and khushi believed him……
    well whts the surgery thing dear….???…

  26. savy.fernis says:

    Amazing

  27. shafqee80 says:

    Beautifully written …and i totally understand why arnav z scared of truth …coz khushi doesnt remember at all …..wen she knew everything she accepted it out of love for arnav but now wen she has only flashes of memory he can lose her …and he cant lose his reason of living …even payal has understood dis thing

  28. arshina223 says:

    First about the update:
    I never expected an update like this after last chapter but it was a surprise and a happy one. I just loved the way you wrote the chapter, with such emotion inside arnav and the way u brought the holi scene. At first i thought she was remembering their diwali almost kiss with the way they were standing, but i was wrong. And now they are some what close. I feel happy for arnav.

    And now about ur note:
    It was the same with me, i had stopped watching IPK after arnav dropped khushi. Like seriously! How can they show this! that dude dropped the girl and they’ll fall in love..?? I hated arnav that moment. But when they show some guilt in him, then i started watching again.

    This IPK, i never wanted to watch it. But i got glimpses of it when i surfe through chanels and what i saw just pissed me off! They are show women like dirt. The male lead’s mother is so orthodox. They have separate sofas for male -a big one and women are not allowed to sit on that. Now what the hell they r showing to the audiece..?!!?

    And then what i saw , Shlok (I don’t know if the name is right) slapped astha!! He slapped her and she just stood like dumb, not at all reacting. No anger.Nothing at all! My blood used to boil whenever arnav manhandled khushi but this guy SLAPPED that girl. I just changed the channel and i knew i would never want to see even a glimpse of that show. PATHETIC.

    There nothing i can watch on indian TV. I just watch vampire diaries. There is no sick man with prejudices against women. Just Damon salvatore! Lol! I know , i got little off track but i just luv him!

  29. javeria3991 says:

    Amazing update
    But arnav shouldn’t had lie. Khushi will be deeply broken and hurt when she will remember everything. Like the way you beautifully frame and adjust the heer ranjha dialogue with the current situation of arnav and Khushi.

  30. aayt says:

    it was very emotional update
    he confessed his love n let her believed that their marriage is love one true he lied but I think he is seeking chance to amend the things between n she also need love n assurance so that is fair enough
    loved it

  31. romaisaaa says:

    I just loved it…..it cant get any better….confession was beautiful and the way you incorporated those lines from heer ranjha play was just awesome….fear of losing her didn’t let him tell her the complete truth….but this 50% truth was more then enough for khushi to see through him and she saw the real love in that 50% truth….desperately waiting for next update. ..please update soon:)

  32. serendipitylove90 says:

    Now we some progress on the romance front 🙂 Arnav has been in his personal hell for quite some time…but everytime I almost begin to feel sorry for him, I’m reminded of your first update – He drove away his own happiness.. He deserves her mistrust and suspicion… Looking forward to read the rest of the redemption sequence….especially what would happen when Khushi remembers…. And Vann, I hope ur not serious about nearing the end! There is so much more to go…!

  33. piyasahay says:

    Oh wat an awsum update…,

    arnav did wrong….. Bt he cnt loose khushi again…… Waiting for nxt update…. Keep writing dear

  34. labiba18 says:

    wow…what an update..should i cry or laugh i dont know…feeling out of sorts…thanks dear for the pm….

  35. xfan says:

    Lovely update please do not say the story is nearing its end love the way things are moving between Arnav and Khushi.

  36. sanasafina says:

    Awesome story….
    Just read inn one go…. Very heartening… Every update left me crying…. Loved it…
    Both are helpless… Khushi don’t remember anything and Arnav can’t tell her…
    Love the confession… And most importantly your take on heer ranjha lines was superb…
    Arnav is not telling her the complete truth but i m afraid that these half truth will make the matter worse…. I hope nothing of that sort happen…
    Continue soon…

  37. avikasharma says:

    loved it!
    it was such a heartfelt chapter. i have always loved the heer-ranjha lines from the show. it has got such intense emotions in it and it actually sums everything up 🙂
    this is gonna end soon? i dont want to.
    though i want arnav to tell her the complete truth and khushi to regain her memory back asap. i want a little glimpse of their happy lfie atleast.

    i haven’t yet watched ipk-2. is it that bad??? anyone who can give me its reviews?

  38. vidyasanjay says:

    Oops!
    I posted my intended comment for this chapter at ICHTW.
    Loved the chapter.that was indeed a beautiful sort of confession.Couldn’t have asked for more.

  39. Anamika says:

    So beautiful emotional confession. Glad that Khushi wanted to go for the surgery. Thanks.

  40. Deepthi Varrier says:

    That was a beautiful update, with Arnav stealing a few moments of happiness and bliss before the storm returns. As much as I have always believed that Arnav had married Khushi for the same reasons he had concluded upon in here, I don’t know if that could justify what Khushi had to go through in the bargain. May be, hopefully, sometime later, when Khushi’s memory would return, she would remember and understand this confession better as well. After all, she didn’t need memories to remember that she loved him. He only had to break down a barrier or two and let the flood of emotions pour out to her for her to recall the most beautiful moment they had shared together. I hope they stay together through and after the tide.

    Oh on another note, I hope you don’t end the story very soon. I literally cling on to your updates to give me a reminiscence of their heart-warming love.

  41. hsridhar says:

    beautiful. their connection is so sweet.

  42. SANGS49 says:

    waiting for next update

  43. piyasahay says:

    Waiting…..
    Are reposting sum chaptrs.?

  44. suni1234 says:

    Just found this story yesterday and am really enjoying it. I’ve always felt that Arnav did not pay for all the heartache he put Khushi through – that lame apology before wedding 2 was just that, lame. So this story helps…..

  45. Boss says:

    Wow, amazing! I completed reading the story, and must say its wonderful! The way you describe the emotions so beautifully! Love the fact that they have accepted their feeling for each other!! I hope khushi’s memory comes back soon! Desperately waiting for next update!

  46. Lovely update… The confession …. Oh n she remembers … Humari dhadhkanein ek oh jato hai …. Tht is one of my fav scenes from the show n also the here ranjha act….

  47. athiyam says:

    This is too good…. I just came across this FF. and the whole journey of Arnav repenting is so well written and glad that its a happy ending.

  48. mahrusweety says:

    Awesome part
    Loved it

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